My exit speech and repatriation anxiety (at length, PART I)

On the plane...

What just happened?

In some respect, it is all becoming a blur to me.

It's not a blur in terms of the whole "it seems like just yesterday I was arriving in Hong Kong for the first time..."

It's a blur in my head... all of my experiences and emotions are blurring together. However, I keep having these flashes of conversations or smiles on peoples' faces or uncontrollable laughter popping into my head and at what seems like lightning speed.

I got very busy this last month and blogged maybe once? I wanted to blog so much more, as I feel like I was probably overflowing more with ideas, emotions, revelations, than ever before; however, I was also ok with it. Maybe I didn't need my blog as a source of accountability as much as I did early on in my experience. Just maybe.

You really just don't get it until you live here. Here? Am I still in Hong Kong? Right now I am. I get this knot in my throat thinking of not being a HK resident. That's really strange to me. At this moment, everything I know is HK. But wait... I just relinquished all things technical related to my position there, aside from my valuable, time-saving, even decent-photo-bearing HK government ID card. Why do I still have that? Will it be void after my visa expires? I guess I won't know until I come back. "It" seemed to know everything else and was even linked to my thumbprint, aiding in rapid entry into and exit from HK. What a concept.

My heart also dropped for a split second when the teller cut up my Hang Seng Bank card when I closed my account today (Tues. 24May), proudly walking out of the University branch with an envelope of the money I had saved. Yes, I managed to save a fair amount of money considering my rent was about 40% of my income! That part felt good, but the knot came when I thought "how am I going to pay for things?" "Will I ever get to say 'EPS ng-goy' again?" Plus, because I was only getting paid in one lump sum each month and paid for everything with either my EPS card, cash, or my Octopus (transit) card, i.e. no credit card, I had become a lot better at budgeting my finances. SHOCK!

Speaking of Octopus card, also a "what a concept" topic, I didn't turn it in to get my balance and deposit back. I ran out of time, but I did have the brilliant idea to spend my meager $40HKD balance as well as into the $50HKD "red" that is what initially paid for the card all at Starbucks ("Tsim-bahk-urrrrh" in Mandarin) where I got my pre-flight dinner, coffee, and water. Good one, Jodie! I will miss the convenience of that card and the convenience, low cost, efficiency, and speed of the HK transit system in general. The rest of the world should take note.

Yesterday (Mon. 23May) I turned in my CityU staff card. Unlike my HK ID card, the photo on my CityU card was bad! I looked like a prisoner, no joke. However, I still got sad when I gave it to Ms. Ankie CHAN at Human Resources. (P.S. Everyone's surnames are always in all caps... I just realized I still wonder about that. It does make it easier to know which is the surname and which is the given name. Maybe I'll do that from now on, ha ha ha. Anyway...) Then, for the rest of Monday and into Tuesday I know I had a smiling -- but sad -- expression on my face every time I rang the bell to gain entry into my office or lab. Whoever would answer would exchange the same expression with me. They were used to that. We (scientists?) are used to that too. There were only two people on campus with which I shared intense emotion upon saying goodbye on my last day... Alice and Dave. I had already said goodbye to my collaborator and colleague, Shuhong, while I was visiting her in China last week. The other goodbyes I had on campus today were just smiles, hugs, and thank-yous. I left boxes of chocolate in the office and lab... it was not big deal, really. I even skipped several goodbyes and didn't think much more of it.

Alice is my stoic friend. I did see on my last day, however, one gigantic tear roll down her cheek when we hugged goodbye. I know she is an emotional person. I have never doubted that. I saw her cry one other time when she and her boyfriend broke up. For the most part, you just have to really know Alice in order to know if she's happy or sad about something. There will be no overt signs that a regular person could decipher... you just have to know her, and she's a tough shell to crack. Trust me, I do like to tap, tap, tap, knock, knock, knock... let me in... with the people to whom I become emotionally connected. But, sometimes Alice and I will sit together, have a coffee, and barely say a word. I think we liked that about our friendship. I did at least. It was comforting. Even though sometimes her stoicism confused me or even put me off when I was in a particularly vulerable state, I don't think I doubted that she cared. She gave me a lot in terms of a friendship and professional relationship, as she was also my technician and assistant at times. I hope I gave her what she needed too. I think I did, actually. Maybe I'll never know.

My other close relationship on campus was with my colleague/collaborator, Shuhong... Charlotte. Charlotte is her English name. This is the one we decided on after at least 2 months of deliberation after which time I promptly bought her the book Charlotte's Web. Her position ended a week before mine, and so Alice and I went with her for 4 days to mainland China before I had to pack up and make my exit from HK. Prior to the China trip, we were hard-core on the second research project, trying to finish up the first research project, and often only moments from killing one another out of frustration and sheer exhaustion. She wouldn't admit it, but I'm sure I was weighing on her nerves too. We were just tired. We did work well together though, and we developed a very special bond and friendship. I cried when I left her in China. In my eyes, her life is a bit of a shit-storm, and I think I'm especially emotional about that aspect, leaving her back in her home country where her situation is less than ideal, to put it lightly. I know she wants more out of life but feels stuck. I really think that is what made me the saddest.

Most of my other relationships in HK were off campus.

Dave. I call him Dave. That is strange, actually. Come to think of it, no one else I worked with at CityU called him Dave. This written stream of consciousness isn't about the name, really, but rather it is about who this person is. This person is so high up on a pedestal in the eyes of most people who know him. I'm not joking. In most respects, he is quite elevated in my mind as well. This is the scientist I've looked up to since 1997 when I first decided the physiology of fishes was the most interesting topic I had ever studied. He wasn't Dave to me then. He was Professor D.J. Randall because that is how I saw his name on all of the papers he wrote and the numerous book series he edited. He was the scientist in my field for decades. I was so excited when I signed on for my PhD program at UBC as I'd be working with one of D.J. Randall's former PhD students who was a professor there. My Master's supervisor wasn't thrilled about my decision and even said "you know, it's not like you're working with D.J. Randall himself, it's just his former student." Now, here I am 7 years after that comment, and Dave is not only a colleague and collaborator but someone I would call a close friend. We've had some of the longest talks about anything and everything, even beyond science... in fact, often beyond science. He's always been a no bull-shit kind of guy, but I also think he's believed in me from the start. I've never known his reasoning, but I've always felt like I've had him in my corner so to speak. Today, I tagged along with him for a lunch he had to attend for some general education administration so that we could chat and spend some last bit of time together before my flight. We talked mostly about research. Then at one point he apologized for being so busy with EDGE (the general education program of which he is director) and for not spending more time on the research with me. Later, we talked about what I got out of my experiences, and he said that he thought I've gained some more confidence in myself. That was huge and meant a lot. And he's right. I have gained some confidence in my research, for certain. Here I was in HK doing research outside the time requirements and pressure of earning a degree. However, maybe there is more pressure because now -- even more than ever -- starts the "publish or perish" mentality. I don't have time to waste sorting through ideas and slowly learning new techniques or protocols like I did (and was supposed to be doing) during my PhD. Now, you just have to do it. And when some of the research details didn't turn out as we had planned, I was able to switch gears on the fly, ending up with one very neat and complete story with one of the research projects and some incredibly interesting measurements and observations on another project that will hopefully lead to completing another good story. I feel good about what I did science-wise. What I didn't do was write other papers that I have piling up on my desk from past research. When will I get to them? Enter feelings of repatriation anxiety... more on that later.

Dave and I also talked about family, what it means to be away for so long, and not just "away" but traveling the world. The phrase is right. You can't go home. Every time, it gets harder and harder to go home to Illinois as I feel more and more disconnected from that way of life. I go there for my family and a few friends that still hold meaningful places in my heart, but even that is difficult. My life is so different than the lives of those that are there. Not better. Not worse. Just different. I cannot integrate into their lives so easily, and it's hard for them to understand my life when they are only getting glimpses of it from photos and the occasional skype or phone call. Now, I'm going home to a different home. Going home to Vancouver will most certainly be different, though. Everyone there knows more of the Jodie I am today, and I've only been gone 7 months, not 14 years. Still, life has gone on. Growth and change have occurred in everyone, not just me. I'm used to the anxieties associated with going home to IL, and I'll visit those feelings in 3 weeks when I prepare for that trip. In the meanwhile, I haven't fully articulated my anxieties about going home to Vancouver. I mentioned a few things to Kim, but I don't know I've fully explored them in myself yet.

I came to HK mainly for the career move... the science... the professional relationship with Dave, but I did a lot in personal development as well. This blog was the platform and perhaps springboard for me to grow on so many levels. I did just that.

Why have I not published this post yet? What is holding me back? Do I feel as though my work in HK is not done yet? Well, the science is not done, but science is never done. I set goals for myself from the personal growth perspective, and I feel as though I achieved them... except for the water drinking goal. That should have been the easiest... really... but I'm paying the price of failing that goal now that I'm back in Vancouver. My body cannot get hydrated enough. My lips are so dry, my skin absorbed what seemed like 5 liters of massage oil at my massage therapy the other day, and my havoc is being wreaked on my face too. I even gave myself a home facial last night in an attempt to apologize to my complexion for improperly hydrating for so long. The other goals included:

• Doing a form of fitness and/or yoga daily

This has now become so ingrained in my being that I chuckled when thinking about it. I think I logged about 180 hours of yoga in HK! I also aimed to:

• Try new classes and teachers weekly.

Some of them I loved, and some I hated. I really fell for the Anusara mixed levels class taught by Michael Lau, as some of my avid readers will already know. And, I would have never found that one had I not been pursing this diversity in my practice. Furthermore, I really grew to love Luis as a small group class trainer (Bodypump and Bodycombat) and ended up asking him to train me one on one.

To be continued...

Accountability

Logging my fitness works!

15Jan11, 9am: Hot yoga with Deva Biswas

16Jan11, 9am: Hot yoga with Bernadette Leung

16Jan11, 2pm: Two-hour hike (some good vertical)

17Jan11, 7am: Hot yoga with Deva Biswas

Now it's time for logging my water consumption to work. I've been keeping track for the past three days exactly how many containers of water I've consumed. I don't count tea or coffee, and some days I drink a lot of green tea because I'm so cold in my office. I feel especially happy if I'm still getting in my regular water consumption on top of that. In addition, my water bottle is just around 750mL and so if I get to the point where I am drinking 4 containers per day, I'll be having 3L of water.

I have also been trying to be more aware of my eating. There are so many things I'd like to change with my eating habits, but I also know that I can be a very extreme all-or-nothing kind of person, and those practices are not sustainable for me. So, one at a time.

I already eat high-quality, humane, and environmentally-friendly food. This has taken a couple years to become second nature, but it is now. There are areas where I draw the line here in Hong Kong. For one, I don't eat meat where I am either unaware of or uncomfortable of the origin. This means that most times eating out means going vegetarian. I buy only organic, free range meat and dairy (yogurt and I've bought cheese once). Most of it comes from either NZ or Australia. I buy only organic produce and dairy as well. There are many cafes I enjoy in Hong Kong that only serve organic food (namely Life Cafe), but that is one area that I'm not so hard on myself about. Meat is priority. Furthermore, when living in Vancouver, I was easily able to buy not only organic, but local produce and meat. I don't have that luxury here. There is no chicken produced in Hong Kong because of Avian Flu, but I am able to find Hong Kong grown organic lettuces and carrots! "Food miles" is a big concern for me, but transporting produce from NZ to Hong Kong, while a flight is involved, isn't as damaging in my opinion as bananas from South America. I have it justified for now.

My timing and rationale for eating is where I can focus my goal-setting for now, I think. I just wrote a letter to a friend where I included the following bit about mindful eating:

"... Indeed, food has turned into this crazy thing for some… I’ll say, most people… it’s a political movement, it’s an environmental movement, it’s a social movement, it medicates us, it makes us happy, it makes us hate our bodies, it makes us feel smart, it makes us have more energy, it makes us feel connected to family, it makes us feel rich, it makes us feel poor… but really, it does go back to calories in, calories out. We nourish our bodies in the best way possible so that our bodies are able to be the best they can be. That’s all, and we definitely have more knowledge about that now. Nowadays, however, because of all of the emotional attachment we have with food, we have to start recognizing hunger again… in general. Sometimes, I have no clue as to the difference between mind hunger and body hunger. Mind hunger… all of the other reasons that we eat- a stressful day, a celebration, boredom, sadness, fear of feeling an emotion… We have learned that when our body or mind is yearning for something, we give it food. It is a quick and easy fix. Maybe what we really needed was a nap, or a hug, or someone to listen or to learn how to express ourselves better. Or, does your body physiologically need more energy to sustain an activity? Learning to not feed mind hunger with food is a long process; this is a behavior that we learned long ago, and need to relearn other coping techniques. But just being aware is a great start. When you think you’re hungry, ask yourself if food is truly what you need... "

There have been a few nights where I've found myself staying up rather late, past my midnight bedtime, which may sound late to some, but it works for me. With the exception of one weekend night, perhaps, if I'm getting to bed before midnight every night, I am a happy clam. I also know that if I stay up past midnight, I'm more likely to eat again. Why? Am I really hungry again? If I eat too close to bedtime, I have an even more difficult time calming down and settling in for a good night's sleep. Sure, this is very much a physiology-based issue (specific dynamic action), as our bodies have to shuttle energy to digest food, making it hard to completely relax. So, in the past, I've aimed to have all of my meals and snacks eaten by 10pm each night. I feel that this gives my body a couple hours to digest and start the relaxing process before I lay my head down around midnight. This also keeps me from eating for "the wrong reasons" as I mentioned above. For example, if I eat after 10pm to get more energy to stay up later, what is that saying? Jodie, just go to bed! That's only one example. For now, in hopes of maintaining a great balance with my body and energy and keep off unwanted pounds, I am logging this as well.

For water (blue) and food (black), it's only been a few days (started on the 15th), but it's a start... 21 days to make or break a habit, right?

H2O

5Jan11, 7am: Hot yoga with Michael Lau

6Jan11, 7pm: Anusara mixed yoga with Ocean Liang

6Jan11, 8:30pm: Hatha yoga with Deva Biswas

7Jan11, 7am: Hot yoga with Martina Lee

I've been feeling less than grounded this week in all other aspects of my life, and I am happy to say that my daily practice of yoga has really helped me ground myself. When my day has either started out chaotic or progressed through annoying happenings or frustrating moments, either the morning yoga class that I already had or the evening class that I would look forward to has helped tremendously.

I tried a new class this week, Anusara, which I really liked a lot. The philosophies are very much in line with my reasons for doing yoga, yet I still got a profound work-out. Honestly, I've shied away from the chanting/meditation-type classes because at the end of the day, I STILL would need a work-out. I know that about myself. Although, this week, even the most basic class (Hatha) was a nice, intense work-out. I think it was because I tried it with a different teacher (Deva Biswas) whom I've had for Hot Yoga classes before, and also because I went into it with the intention of working hard. You get out of it what you put into it for sure, as in other aspects of life.

I've started doing something with my yoga classes that I'd like to apply to my daily tasks. Sometimes my teacher would start the class asking for an intention from us. For example, one time Michael Lau asked us to act like we were a beginner. He asked us to try to remember what it felt like to work on a posture for the very first time, and apply that to the class that day. I have also started doing that silently to myself at the start of each class. If you only have to work on "perfecting" one simple aspect of your task, it's not so daunting, even in the most challenging postures. For example, I have a hard time with sitting lotus, let alone any other posture that involves the lotus, even half. So, yesterday I decided that in the resting sitting positions, I would do them in half lotus (right side on Thursday, left side on Friday). That's all. And, I did it! I'd really like to do that with my daily tasks. Premeditate, tell myself what I'd like to get out of each task. I think that yoga is teaching me a lot about life.

So, clearly I'm not having too much trouble maintaining my habit of one fitness activity per day and trying something or someone new each week. Goal #1, I think you and I are on very good terms!!! I think that the "21 days to make or break a habit" idea definitely applies to me. I originally learned that from some of Dr. Wayne Dyer's books, I'm almost certain, but I know I've heard and applied it many times since.

So... that leaves me with personal health goals #2 and #3... what's going on?

Why is this so difficult for me now?

That's all... just four of those per day, and that means I'm drinking enough water for the level of activity I participate in and the climate in which I reside. I used to be able to do this easily. I could make excuses and say that it's harder here in HK because I can't drink the tap water, or something to the extent of convenience and cost, blah blah blah, but really I can get around all of those things. It seems like logging my fitness really helped for Goal #1, and so I'll log my H2O consumption now too. I just need to do it. I know I will feel better, period.

Checking in...

31Dec10, 9:30am: Hot Flow Yoga with Ocean Liang

Last class of 2010, and I loved it so much. I love this teacher too... I mean, who couldn't love a yoga teacher called Ocean? I've studied in a class of hers before, and now I remember how much I really liked it. I don't think I've done a Hot Flow class ever, if so, it's been a while. It was very hard but still do-able, and I was able to challenge myself!

Incorporating a yoga or fitness class into my day has become second nature to me. I believe the "21 days to make or break a habit" idea. Although for some things, it may take a bit longer for me, but I'm really happy with how this one is going. It was easy in Vancouver. I had a strong network of other like-minded fitness "Junkies" and "yogis" and I could get around the city easily. Most people spoke English as well, bonus! So, the fact that I rose to the challenge of upholding my physical fitness commitments while here in a new city -- Hong Kong, for that matter -- makes me very proud of myself. The checks on the calendars below demarcate fitness or yoga classes/activities, and double checks obviously mean that I was crazy with energy that day!

I hesitated marking when I was in Taiwan and Australia, as I didn't want to be using those trips as an excuse for not exercising. I put them on the calendar anyway, but I'm not sure how I feel about it yet... I don't think it's an excuse. I exercised the morning before I left for Taiwan, and the other two days were NUTS! I walked the city of Taipei like crazy, though and got a facial! While I was in Australia, as you all may have read in a previous post, I was interviewing for a fellowship and job for which I've been preparing (writing a proposal) for over a year. It was my first academic interview EVER! So, while I wasn't touring campus, meeting and schmoozing with scientists, giving a seminar, and having coffee, lunch, and dinner meetings, I slept and relaxed. I give myself that. I needed it, and I was proud to let myself have it. My hotel room there was bigger than my apartment, and the weather was phenomenal. So, I guess I just answered my own question. No, they aren't excuses. By putting them on there, I'm reminding myself that I am doing really well and very much enjoyed the needed relaxation time, both for my mind and my physical body!

The three goals that I have on the sidebar (left) here on this blog are for my time in HK (until May or so). Based on what I've done with Goal #1, I think that documenting my weight-loss (ok, redistribution of body composition) and water consumption would be helpful for my other two goals too. These are health-based goals, however. I am going to spend some time this weekend thinking about the other facets of my life with respect to where I am and where I'm going... stay tuned!!!

Until then, farewell to 2010... best year of my life so far... so far!!!! I will say hello to 2011 in about 10 hours... I can't wait to see how this one will unfold!

Lastly, all the best to my fellow mindful souls... thank you for reading and commenting and challenging me -- as well as yourself -- to think and keep thinking... I have loved this whole process!

Water

In my research and career, O2 is the key to life, but for me, right now, I think my body is asking for water. I used to be really good about getting in 3-4 litres per day! I had an orange Nalgene bottle, one of the ones pre-BPA discoveries, and it was like an extra appendage. I had it with me everywhere and always. I've since upgraded to stainless steel and glass water bottles, but I'm not as vigilant. My good water drinking days were also in Vancouver, home of the best-tasting, cleanest, and healthiest tap water in all of North America, maybe the world! I don't drink the tap water in Hong Kong, period. That means I'm going against my previous principles and actually purchasing less-regulated, plastic bottled, wasteful water. However, I have been good about filling all of my bottles at work where we get the gigantic jugs of water brought in for the office water coolers and at my gym where the fountains are filtered. Maybe instead of "taking something away" from myself, such as coffee, I can work on bringing something life-fulfilling back in. I'm seeing Goal #3 evolving here.

Goal #3: I am drinking at least 3 litres of water per day.

Speaking of goals, doing really well with Goal #1: I am trying one new fitness or yoga class or teacher per week. I am also doing either one yoga class or one fitness class/work-out of some sort per day. I'm making up for the days I missed while in Taiwan, but otherwise I've been keeping a daily schedule. I have also been really enjoying the new types of classes and experiences with different teachers.

I'm not doing very well with Goal #2: Over the next 3 months, I will have lost weight such that I am 7kg lighter. By this time, I am also enjoying that my waist to hip ratio is within the normal range for my body size. I'm having some major blockage with this goal... not sure... need to think about it...