Weaknesses

While I can be She-Ra or Superwoman in the gym or in academic or health situations, I have my kryptonite. There is quite a bit of value to doing this.

My Weaknesses…

I am self-critical.

I can be easily overwhelmed.

I am very sensitive to noise, people that are noisy.

I have a really hard time with my body image.

I get caught up on details, often missing the big picture.

I get stuck in my head and generate negative thought processes.

I can convey judgment or disapproval to others.

I often feel that I have to prove myself to others.

I am very much weakened when I’m lonely or ill.

I can bring others down when I’m in a bad mood.

I can easily feel inadequate, and it stifles my progress.

I can be late, which makes people have to wait on me.

I hold myself to a very high standard and expect perfection.

Understanding myself first

27Nov10, 9am: Hot yoga with Shalon

Yoga today... the teacher was a new one for me, and some interesting ideas have arisen since.

I had a really rough night last night after getting home from dinner with friends, which was fun but only a temporary distraction from some deeper stuff, as my last post revealed. As a result, I didn't sleep that well, and so the thought crossed my mind to cancel yoga. Although I didn't end up particularly liking the class or the teacher, I got a lot out of it and am glad I still went.

It started off with the teacher coming in, speaking Cantonese, but then looking at me and asking me if I spoke Cantonese. I said no, and she walked on to her mat and started the class speaking mostly Cantonese but with some English intermingled. This quickly turned into about 99% Cantonese. There would be a few phrases in English here and there, like counting to 5 while holding a posture or some random phrase like "lower back". Needless to say, I was having a tough time, and essentially having to imagine what she was saying throughout my practice. In yoga, you can't alway just 'get by' watching others either, which I ended up trying to do or sometimes missing the asanas all together. I think I resorted to the fact that it was going to be hard for me to get a really intense workout from this class, which upset me but I had to fond something to learn or get out of this seemingly confusing and frustrating class.

While I did feel like walking out at one point so frustrated because I couldn't understand ANYTHING and couldn't see her, I didn't. I stayed. I decided to use my time to think about it all and learn a bit more about myself through my reactions to this situation. And I did, to the point where she must have sensed it in me or in others, as she said to "stop judging yourself" during part of the cool-down. I didn't like it that i couldn't understand anything today. I think that's been a really hard concept for me this month... not understanding and not being understood, mostly in the literal sense but of course also in the figurative sense.

I didn't realize that right away, maybe I was already showering when I thought that... I do some of my best thinking in the shower. When you are doing something that is routine, and takes a bit of your time, maybe something that is in silence, too, it is almost like a form of worship or prayer. This is what yoga is for many people, myself included. Sometimes I go to yoga for a really intense workout, actually that's *always* why I go, but many times I get a bonus learning experience or thinking session too. It's like that for me with showering too... of course I take showers primarily to get clean, but I usually relax and think too. There's something to the routine, like a sun salutation or other vinyasa. It gets to flowing so well that you can just go with the flow and allow your mind to explore itself.

I did come to tears at the end of my practice though, and instead of hurrying out after the final om, I stayed, stared at myself in the mirror, and tried to acknowledge what was going on inside me.

Some thoughts:

Feeling misunderstood or not understanding someone or an idea is very hard for me.

I don't need to be doing something all the time.

I am noticed here in HK more than I realize because I stand out.

I went from living in the US where I was relatively small to moving to Vancouver, where I wasn't as small. I adjusted my diet and fitness dramatically, got smaller and super strong, and became really fit. Now I'm comparing my Canadian self, who was small and fit, to a world of tiny Asians, most of which are not fit in the same way if at all (except for the yogis), but most are very, very small. It's a new benchmark.

Physical composition

26Nov10, 8am: personal training session (circuit training) with Wallace

Candid...

My body is officially comprised of more mass than it has ever occupied in its entire 33.25 years on the planet.

One of the joys that comes with starting a new training program or meeting a new trainer is the full body composition analysis that you get to start with. It's a fabulous way for me to feel absolutely lousy about myself, especially while living in the land of small where I can't find clothes to fit me and belts don't even go around my waist, let alone buckle. When did I become such a big girl? When did obesity become a risk for me? Seriously? It seems like this happened so fast, but then again, it's been slipping back over the past year.

I'm no stranger to the body composition tests, as I've done them with Endorphin Junkies a couple times per year. Still, every time, I was nervous, anxious, terrified... really for two numbers in particular.

1. Body fat percentage

2. Weight (mass)

My body fat percentage is still low, but I am apparently storing it all in my mid-section, hence the "over" WHR or waist to hip ratio, which is a proxy for obesity-related diseases. As you can see from part of the print-out from my body composition analysis from this morning... I'm quite imbalanced. It used to be that the % body fat and my weight were my magic numbers. If I could carry on with a "normal life", i.e. have dessert, a glass of wine, dairy, carbs... all very much in moderation, of course, then as long as I stayed below 20%, I'd feel pretty good. I knew that I could hammer out my work-outs and be extremely strict with my diet, low calories, barely any carbs, no soy, no dairy, no caffeine, no alcohol and drop down to 16%, but that wasn't sustainable. I could carry that on for about 6 weeks at the most, but no longer.

It's pretty incredible... I have everything I could possibly want in life except for the body it comes in. Part of me thinks it's not fair. But then I feel like crap for thinking that this of all things is not fair... where are the starving children these days, everywhere, where are the war-torn communities, everywhere... it's ridiculous for me to worry about this. Meanwhile, I'm probably consuming more calories in a day than many children and even adults have in a month. What the hell is my problem? I think to myself, why is it that so many people in this world can do absolutely no exercise at all and eat crappy, processed, sugary junky food and have great bodies. Mine is strong, no doubt, full of good components too, care of my clean diet... although lately that's not been as easy, but I'm doing well, considering... and so why do I complain? Maybe I will live longer because I'm in good shape, but then again, maybe not... the stats are stacked against me. I have a family history of obesity, heart disease, cancer...

I feel guilty for complaining, and I know that people will tell me that I look great, I'm so strong, in good shape, fit, eat healthfully, etc., but I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I look in the mirror, I see a rectangle... a tree trunk with no waist and big legs, a chubby face, I can't wear the clothes I want to wear, and I don't feel good, period.

I could turn this into a goal-setting exercise, I guess...

Goal #2: Over the next 3 months, I will have lost weight such that I am 7kg lighter. By this time, I am also enjoying that my waist to hip ratio is within the normal range for my body size.

There... does that help? Not really. I'm tired of being like this. It's ruined a part of who I am for so long, over half of my life, actually... 20 years maybe... I'm really tired...