The world around me

What do you do when it seems as though the world is falling down around you?

GLOBALLY:

Unfortunately, this doesn't necessarily have to be understood, to date, in the metaphorical sense as in which it is usually spoken. It does seem that the world is falling down with respect to what has gone on in Japan over the last 9 days. I've been both

1. impressed

and

2. vehemently discouraged

with humankind during this catastrophe specifically (as with most all of them, actually), and this is probably a common sentiment during any global disaster. I've been impressed with what I've seen as to how the Japanese people are handling this disaster. I'm not necessarily referring to Japan's government or any regulatory group, but rather the people... the people that have been most affected. On Rachel Maddow's MSNBC evening news show, specifically during the last 5-10 min. of the show, she showed footage of a few of the rescue efforts that were most compelling (15 March 2011 episode, I podcast it on iTunes). Mind you, these were not military helicopters scooping up people, these were human chains, people carrying other people... heart warming. There has likely been more footage than I can even imagine floating around the airwaves the past week. Given that I don't have a TV with any English channels, this limits me from unintentionally seeing anything, which I think is good. I have to actively pursue it on the internet, and for that reason I go only to sources I believe to be reputable. This helps, as I don't think I could handle the other side of disaster right now, and by that I mean the propaganda, the lunacy, the fear mongering in the media and in the general public, the hate, the ignorance, the disrespect. That's the ugly side of this and I think that, regardless of how serious the potential for meltdown is at Fukushima, it will be how the world handles it that will be the tipping point, not the fact that it's happened. It's how you handle catastrophe and chaos... hmmm...

LOCALLY:

Having said all of that, what about in every day life? What happens when the (2.) latter description (vehement disappointment) overshadows the (1.) first description (impressed) in your daily routine? I have what I call IHHK (I Hate Hong Kong, not I HEART Hong Kong, as the image to the left portrays... I have those days too, though!) days, and the frequency of these days occurring is roughly 3 days per week lately. Sure, I have IHHK moments, but when I have a full IHHK day, I worry. Can I liken it to sitting in front of the TV watching Fox News -- or some other right-wing, conservative, fear-mongering media conglomerate -- mindlessly letting them fill my head and heart with whatever they think is going on or whatever they think is important? So, in a sense, I'm letting the parts of the outside world -- in this case Hong Kong and it's residents, language, culture -- shape me, and determine my perception of the world and myself. Granted, there are aspects of the culture here that I like, but the ones I do not like are more numerous and profound for me. So, it does seem, often, that the world, not just on a global scale, when disaster strikes, but also on a local scale when immersed in a different country and culture, is falling down around me.

PERSONALLY:

I can look at my yoga classes to see this resonates on a more personal level too. Of course, yoga is my great metaphor of life! So, I could rephrase the question that I posed at the beginning of this blog.

What do you do when the rest of the yoga students in your class are falling down around you?

Sometimes, I fall too. Lately, I've been falling a lot and not necessarily because I'm pushing myself to the outer periphery of my virtual capacity and abilities in my yoga practice. I'm falling because I'm distracted. I'm paying attention to other people's issues and challenges, the limits of their abilities, their perceived weaknesses, etc. rather than my own. Sometimes I pass judgement too. I think to myself, "wow, if they would have only listened to the step-by-step instructions of the teacher, instead of rushing, they'd have at least made some progress in the posture" or maybe even "they aren't even trying." Then I fall. It's only when I come back to my intentions, bridge my ego with my intentions (topic for my next post I promise), centre myself, draw awareness to my core, an focus my gaze that I am in my own balance again. Sometimes this is impossible for me until that final Shivasana.

For example, today I practiced hot yoga with Bernadette Leung. During the practice, some lady

one or two mats away from me was burping or making some sort of pig snort for the entire hour, and not just one every 10 min. or so, literally several sounds per minute! It was so loud and so guttural, I was horrified! While usually I would just acknowledge that "WTF?" thought bubble that is perpetually above my head, today it disappeared and all I could do was get really angry about it. It was affecting me and my practice and offending me personally. The thoughts that entered my thought bubble, hence pushing the benign "WTF?" out of there, included but were not limited to the following:

"What on earth did you eat?"

"Do you realize how loud you are?"

"Your burping is making you fall out of every posture!"

"I can't see any of your knuckles or joints, do you have chronic edema... and again, what do you eat that makes your body respond this way?"

"Is yoga part of the solution? If so, that's fine, but maybe a private class is a better idea."

I either wanted to ask her what was wrong or exclaim "jing dee!!" I looked around, and it didn't seem as though the other 50 students were even as close to being as affected as I was, however.

Ok, so what is wrong with me then? There were several times when I regained my focus and was able to ignore the disturbance. There was no acceptance, however... during those times, I was just ignoring... ignorance? Ignorance is bliss? What does this all mean in the grand scheme of things, though? If I were to use the "just ignore it" or "ignorance" tactic for the LOCAL and GLOBAL examples above, what would that look like? NOT GOOD! As I mentioned, it's hard enough in a full, sweaty, technically challenging yoga class to acknowledge and regain your focus and go back to your core strength and deep-rooted knowledge with every little disturbance you experience. That's a daily challenge, and some are better at it than others.

Indeed, we're all at different stages of our journeys. When the disturbance gets so profound, maintaining our centre is more difficult. Fighting fire with fire isn't the answer either though. LOCALLY, if that were the case, during my daily commute, I'd intentionally step on peoples toes, push and shove, talk really loudly on my phone, burp without covering my mouth, eat really stinky food while slurping it loudly... the list goes on. On a PERSONAL level, if fighting fire was the case during my yoga class, I'd stomp loudly and slam the door when entering the studio, I'd drop my water bottle and not think a thing about it, and instead of burping 3 times

per minute for an hour, maybe I'd pass gas from the other end just as frequently to add the smell component to the situation. Although, maybe I already have a strange smell to me, as Asians say Westerners smell like cheese. Would it have been the same if someone was farting 3 times per minute for the entire class? I'd die to be a fly on the wall of that yoga studio (with a clothes pin on my nose, of course). Finally, we all know what it looks like when fire is fought with fire on a GLOBAL scale. It is not usually productive over the long term and can usually heighten catastrophe and chaos. That's definitely NOT how Japan is dealing with things in my mind, which is good and a relief. What I see is the workers of Fukushima Daiichi doing what they know to be the right response protocol, using every resource they have and all of the safety training under their belt to make sure that the situation does not get worse. Meanwhile the brilliant engineers are using all of their knowledge, a collective intelligence that could never be quantified, to come up with short-term and long-term solutions so that not only the area but the entire country and Asia, for that matter, stays safe. They are learning and will continue to learn a ton from this, no doubt, and likewise for the rest of the world. Indeed, there have been some amazing scientists interviewed on TV (several on Rachel Maddow's show) and radio that have informed the general public as to the ins and outs of this disaster from their scientific perspective, but in lay man's terms, which is crucial. Again, they are leaning on their core strength, which is their education and capacity to educate others... not fear.

So, what's to be said from all of this? I've outlined my current and timely thoughts and examples for what happens when the distracted and panic buttons are pushed on a GLOBAL, LOCAL, and PERSONAL scale. If yoga is the metaphor for my life, and what Bernadette said in class today:

"Your yoga practice is an outward expression of who you are."

rings true, then that is the most important lesson I can learn right now. My annoyance and anger and frustration today... that is not who I am... the core strength, focus, education, intelligence, foresight, and intentional actions that I had a few glimpses of this morning... that's me, and not just in yoga, but also in every day life. Namaste नमस्ते...

Thoughts?

Understanding myself first

27Nov10, 9am: Hot yoga with Shalon

Yoga today... the teacher was a new one for me, and some interesting ideas have arisen since.

I had a really rough night last night after getting home from dinner with friends, which was fun but only a temporary distraction from some deeper stuff, as my last post revealed. As a result, I didn't sleep that well, and so the thought crossed my mind to cancel yoga. Although I didn't end up particularly liking the class or the teacher, I got a lot out of it and am glad I still went.

It started off with the teacher coming in, speaking Cantonese, but then looking at me and asking me if I spoke Cantonese. I said no, and she walked on to her mat and started the class speaking mostly Cantonese but with some English intermingled. This quickly turned into about 99% Cantonese. There would be a few phrases in English here and there, like counting to 5 while holding a posture or some random phrase like "lower back". Needless to say, I was having a tough time, and essentially having to imagine what she was saying throughout my practice. In yoga, you can't alway just 'get by' watching others either, which I ended up trying to do or sometimes missing the asanas all together. I think I resorted to the fact that it was going to be hard for me to get a really intense workout from this class, which upset me but I had to fond something to learn or get out of this seemingly confusing and frustrating class.

While I did feel like walking out at one point so frustrated because I couldn't understand ANYTHING and couldn't see her, I didn't. I stayed. I decided to use my time to think about it all and learn a bit more about myself through my reactions to this situation. And I did, to the point where she must have sensed it in me or in others, as she said to "stop judging yourself" during part of the cool-down. I didn't like it that i couldn't understand anything today. I think that's been a really hard concept for me this month... not understanding and not being understood, mostly in the literal sense but of course also in the figurative sense.

I didn't realize that right away, maybe I was already showering when I thought that... I do some of my best thinking in the shower. When you are doing something that is routine, and takes a bit of your time, maybe something that is in silence, too, it is almost like a form of worship or prayer. This is what yoga is for many people, myself included. Sometimes I go to yoga for a really intense workout, actually that's *always* why I go, but many times I get a bonus learning experience or thinking session too. It's like that for me with showering too... of course I take showers primarily to get clean, but I usually relax and think too. There's something to the routine, like a sun salutation or other vinyasa. It gets to flowing so well that you can just go with the flow and allow your mind to explore itself.

I did come to tears at the end of my practice though, and instead of hurrying out after the final om, I stayed, stared at myself in the mirror, and tried to acknowledge what was going on inside me.

Some thoughts:

Feeling misunderstood or not understanding someone or an idea is very hard for me.

I don't need to be doing something all the time.

I am noticed here in HK more than I realize because I stand out.

I went from living in the US where I was relatively small to moving to Vancouver, where I wasn't as small. I adjusted my diet and fitness dramatically, got smaller and super strong, and became really fit. Now I'm comparing my Canadian self, who was small and fit, to a world of tiny Asians, most of which are not fit in the same way if at all (except for the yogis), but most are very, very small. It's a new benchmark.

What is my body telling me?

"Sleepy" continued on through Wednesday evening. I went home, ate a salad and canned tuna for dinner, had some yogurt for dessert, messed around on the computer, and tried to plan my Thursday. I wanted to blog today about this process to see if I can reveal some things about myself and learn from this particular experience. I know that underlying frustrations or sad moments surface in strange ways with me, and I think that this is one of them. Therefore, this post will be more journal-style...

I had agreed to a Skype meeting at 8am with my mentor in Australia to talk about this much-anticipated seminar and interview for this position as Super Science Fellow. I have worked on a research proposal and pages and pages of writing, updated curriculum vita, personal statements, mentoring statements, the list goes on... it's been a year-long process. I was excited for this meeting, even though it was at an inconvenient time for me. He had suggested two times, and the first one didn't work either, as it conflicted with a work seminar and meeting. This 8am time slot wasn't ideal, as I would miss my 7:15am work-out, but with the number of fitness and yoga classes available to me in a day and the fact that I was slated for another specialty yoga class at 8pm Thurs. evening suggested to me that I could work around this one and make an 8am meeting a reality.

My mentor here in Hong Kong agreed to have a meeting that I asked for, and he suggested 11:30am Thursday, which would be reasonable as well. I agreed. The topic of this meeting is frustrating me to no end, as it seems like we cannot resolve an issue that I'm having with a microscope that I need for my research. This microscope set-up was supposed to be ready last fall and everything tested by the time I arrived. This is not the case, as it seems the set-up is inadequate for what I need, and I've spent the past 2 weeks learning about microscopes so I can talk to potential collaborators at the various other universities in HK, technicians, and sales people about what we can do to create the system I need. Meanwhile, I know our technician wants to buy new parts for the microscope to make it work for my needs. He was key in setting it up in the first place, and I think my mentor is not particularly keen that it was not adequate. He got a quote for the parts, and this may be ok, but part of me feels like this should have been done last year. Then he comes to me the other day to say that the parts we order may not fix the problem. He mentions that we may need to buy a new microscope that where the physics of the light pathways are organized differently. I understand this... after all, I've become pretty well-versed in microscopy lately, by necessity... but that's a $131,000 bill I wasn't prepared for. So, I mentally prepare for the meeting.

Meanwhile, it's Wed. night, and I'm feeling so incredibly uninspired and very tired. I didn't get anything done on my own work all day, as I had so many meetings, seminars, and such. Preparing for a productive Thurs. seemed to be the best way to get out of this ditch I felt like I was in. So, I think I figured out a plan to incorporate my Skype meeting, my meeting about the microscope, and decided that if I felt good early in the morning, I'd go for a run at the gym. If I was too tired when the alarm went off, I'd go back to sleep and hit yoga after my skyp meeting and before going in f or my 11:30am meeting. After lunch, I'd have a ton of time to do my own work before an 8pm silks and hoops yoga class at the Aerial Arts school in Central, for which I was super excited. Furthermore, maybe I didn't have to work, read, blog or be uber productive at 9pm on a Wed. night. Maybe I could just "veg out" and relax. I know, it sounds so strange....

I fell asleep.

I woke up a few times due to noisy neighbours and their little kids who always seem to be awake and incredibly lively at 11:45pm! I woke up a few more times disoriented, but fine after checking the clock. Of course I didn't have it in me to get out the door at 5:30am with everything packed for a full day in order to make a 6am run and get to my office by 8am.

I slept more.

I woke up again at what I thought was 7:45am, but it was 6:45am. Phew! I ate breakfast... yogurt, oats, and cinnamon... one of my staple meals... and prepared for my Skype meeting. We started late, as he ran overtime finishing a task, for which he apologized. I was proud of myself because I digital voice recorded the entire conversation in case I missed something.

*Kudos to me for acknowledging that I can't always be superwoman and be able to absorb an hour of intense conversation and for using the immense amount of technology at my fingertips to help myself out a bit!

I felt good about that, and I also felt good that even though I'm thinking about the visit, interview, seminar and that whole scary process, I've partitioned my time to work on preparing for it from 5 -14 Dec. While I am currently pre-preparing (is that a word? I like it... going to use it often), I committed to preparing (for real) after Kim's visit. Yes, that does feel good!

I was still sluggish, and so I did a few things and then laid back down to sleep. Although it is hard for me sometimes to listen to my body when it's asking for sleep, I know that it's asking me for a very specific reason. Maybe I'm on the verge of coming down with a cold, and this is my body asking me to take it easy so that it can deal with the cold before I have to. If that's the case, fine... dear body, I will listen to you and get some more sleep. I also drank some grapefruit juice... pure, no sugar added, grapefruit juice. YUM!

I slept some more.

I woke up at 10am and started preparing for my day, which at this point was preparing for my meeting at 11:30am and after lunch.

Something startled me...

Yes, this poor little guy I'm told comes out at about 2am every night. Although it startled me, it was a nice surprise... it wasn't a rat!

I finally get out the door. Sometimes in my world, that's the hardest thing for me... getting out the door in the morning. That's why I usually schedule my fitness/yoga for first thing. I don't have to get ready at home and can start my day sweating and stretching. I am much more efficient that way.

At this point, I am running a bit behind and will only have time to grab a coffee and go directly to my meeting, which is fine. At 11:19am my mentor phones me to cancel the meeting. We discuss some other things about my facilitating a -80C freezer for a colleague's samples while he's been here in HK visiting, retrieving them, etc. This is fine, but sometimes I don't think I'm appreciated for my intellect but rather for my "git'er done" personality. Is that all I am? A puppet?

That's often what post-doctoral fellows are likened to... puppets, as they don't have the resources to stand on their own feet quiet yet, i.e. no money for research or funding and their salary comes from someone established, higher up. It's common. I think I fit into that easily, but then again, I'm fresh out of school without a lot of experience "standing on my own two feet." Furthermore, I'm working with a scientist who is -- technically -- retired. He doesn't do work in the lab anymore, he's just a thinker. He has a strong voice because he's probably the most well-respected for his intellect in any research to do with fish but also research that has to do with oxygen and carbon dioxide transport, pH balance, respiratory physiology, etc. He can convince people and he can get money. That's what you have to be when you get old. When you're young, I guess, you have to pay your dues and learn the ropes...

I phone our technician to cancel, but we end up talking anyway.

What I am to learn from the latter half of this entry... I talk to our technician and rather than letting him run the show, which he technically has been doing prior to my arrival, I take the reins and make a plan. It felt good. He is hired for a specific job, and I am here to make sure that we are utilizing his talents.

I am also going to start learning to stand on my own two feet. A cancelled meeting is an opportunity for me to take the reins and make some decisions. While I can't make decisions on spending $$ yet, I can figure out every possible solution that leads up to that.

Meanwhile, Kim arrives Saturday night, and we have a Taiwan experience to be had next week and a Hong Kong experience to be had the following weekend. I will listen to my body and care for it as much as I possibly can, nurture it, and let it sleep so that I can be in the best possible shape for the things that are of top priority to me.

For today: I know that life is about balance... I am remembering my priorities... I am listening to my body, letting my body rest, and starting to learn to stand on my own two feet... or balance on one foot, as some tasks may require. Finally, if I hear a strange noise in the night, resembling something falling or slipping from the sink in the kitchen, remember the gecko.

Roaming throughout many places, living in tiny spaces

How much space do we actually need? What does "space" mean anyway? Google image "space" and the photos are gorgeous... outer space is the context in that case. My dictionary on my computer, however, gives me the following, some of which I've highlighted in orange out of interest:

space |spās|noun1 a continuous area or expanse that is free, available, or unoccupied : a table took up much of the space | we shall all be living together in a small space| he backed out of the parking space.• an area of land that is not occupied by buildings : she had a love of open spaces.• an empty area left between one-, two-, or three-dimensional points or objects : the space between a wall and a utility pipe.• a blank between printed, typed, or written words, characters, numbers, etc.• Music each of the four gaps between the five lines of a staff.• an interval of time (often used to suggest that the time is short, considering what has happened or been achieved in it) : both their cars were stolen in the space of three days.• pages in a newspaper, or time between television or radio programs, available for advertising.• (also commercial space) an area rented or sold as business premises.• the amount of paper used or needed to write about a subject : there is no space to give further details.• the freedom and scope to live, think, and develop in a way that suits one : a teenager needing her own space.• Telecommunications one of two possible states of a signal in certain systems. The opposite of mark 1 (sense 2).2 the dimensions of height, depth, and width within which all things exist and move : the work gives the sense of a journey in space and time.• (also outer space) the physical universe beyond the earth's atmosphere.• the near vacuum extending between the planets and stars, containing small amounts of gas and dust.• Mathematics a mathematical concept generally regarded as a set of points having some specified structure.verb1 [ trans. ] (usu. be spaced) position (two or more items) at a distance from one another : the houses are spaced out.• (in printing or writing) put blanks between (words, letters, or lines) :[as n. ] ( spacing) the default setting is single line spacing.2 (usu. be spaced out or space out) informal be or become distracted, euphoric, or disoriented, esp. from taking drugs; cease to be aware of one's surroundings : I was so tired that I began to feel totally spaced out | I kind of space out for a few minutes.PHRASESwatch this space informal further developments are expected and more information will be given later.DERIVATIVESspacer nounORIGIN Middle English : shortening of Old French espace, from Latinspatium. Current verb senses date from the late 17th cent.So, clearly there are several definitions and contextual usages for the word "space," but essentially I think that every definition can apply. The concept of space that I've been wondering about, struggling with, in awe about, mesmerized by, horrified by, and even comforted by over my life and very much during my recent journeys touches on a lot of these ideas. If I put these words and phrases together, haphazardly...continuous free empty the freedom and scope to live, think, and develop in a way that suits one within which all things exist and move specified structuredistance distractedeuphoricdisorientedThis is pretty much how I've been feeling over the past three weeks. It's really neat how this word "space" has been on my mind for three weeks... for so many overt reasons. I'm in Asia for one. Space is at a premium. Personal space in public places is nonexistent. The space I have created for myself to grow and learn and nurture myself and those around me, however is huge. It is really neat... I take this bit of time to explore it more deeply, and here is what I come up with. Looking at that definition, the words that popped off of the screen to me, I know meant/mean something.My journey is continuous, I know. There is no final destination, and I am ok with that. I feel free, free to explore myself, reinvent myself, starting from the person I had grown to be in my last home. I do have an empty feeling from time to time, no kindred connections yet, but also a strange desire to keep the only kindred connection here in HK with myself. Maybe that's the kindred connection that I need to nourish the most. In that case, the freedom and scope to live, think, and develop in a way that suits one is exactly the path that I've embarked on. Interestingly, that wasn't the first thought that came to mind in pondering the idea of "space." I was more concerned with a specified structure, and to quickly overcome this disoriented feeling that was overpowering me. I needed proximity, convenient distance(s) between my living space and my intellectual space, also neatly partitioned at the University (but also with minimal "space"). I was thinking of the lack of space when I couldn't find an apartment for my first 3 weeks here in HK. And, it wasn't because I was being picky either, which was a relief. Either I seriously lived in a toilet or I spent my entire salary every month on "space." There was no "middle space." So, I was entirely distracted thinking about the utter lack of and the cost of space... for me currently $150CAD per square foot... this was overwhelming my every thought, my every action, how I reacted to others around me... in my "space" that we commonly refer to as "personal space." But after pondering this for a bit, I don't even flinch at any of it anymore, rather pondering it is somewhat euphoric because of the tangential meanings. Space is important... not necessarily in the square-footage context, as I'm learning. The importance of space is within the context that it is within which all things exist and move. That's pretty profound.