The world around me

What do you do when it seems as though the world is falling down around you?

GLOBALLY:

Unfortunately, this doesn't necessarily have to be understood, to date, in the metaphorical sense as in which it is usually spoken. It does seem that the world is falling down with respect to what has gone on in Japan over the last 9 days. I've been both

1. impressed

and

2. vehemently discouraged

with humankind during this catastrophe specifically (as with most all of them, actually), and this is probably a common sentiment during any global disaster. I've been impressed with what I've seen as to how the Japanese people are handling this disaster. I'm not necessarily referring to Japan's government or any regulatory group, but rather the people... the people that have been most affected. On Rachel Maddow's MSNBC evening news show, specifically during the last 5-10 min. of the show, she showed footage of a few of the rescue efforts that were most compelling (15 March 2011 episode, I podcast it on iTunes). Mind you, these were not military helicopters scooping up people, these were human chains, people carrying other people... heart warming. There has likely been more footage than I can even imagine floating around the airwaves the past week. Given that I don't have a TV with any English channels, this limits me from unintentionally seeing anything, which I think is good. I have to actively pursue it on the internet, and for that reason I go only to sources I believe to be reputable. This helps, as I don't think I could handle the other side of disaster right now, and by that I mean the propaganda, the lunacy, the fear mongering in the media and in the general public, the hate, the ignorance, the disrespect. That's the ugly side of this and I think that, regardless of how serious the potential for meltdown is at Fukushima, it will be how the world handles it that will be the tipping point, not the fact that it's happened. It's how you handle catastrophe and chaos... hmmm...

LOCALLY:

Having said all of that, what about in every day life? What happens when the (2.) latter description (vehement disappointment) overshadows the (1.) first description (impressed) in your daily routine? I have what I call IHHK (I Hate Hong Kong, not I HEART Hong Kong, as the image to the left portrays... I have those days too, though!) days, and the frequency of these days occurring is roughly 3 days per week lately. Sure, I have IHHK moments, but when I have a full IHHK day, I worry. Can I liken it to sitting in front of the TV watching Fox News -- or some other right-wing, conservative, fear-mongering media conglomerate -- mindlessly letting them fill my head and heart with whatever they think is going on or whatever they think is important? So, in a sense, I'm letting the parts of the outside world -- in this case Hong Kong and it's residents, language, culture -- shape me, and determine my perception of the world and myself. Granted, there are aspects of the culture here that I like, but the ones I do not like are more numerous and profound for me. So, it does seem, often, that the world, not just on a global scale, when disaster strikes, but also on a local scale when immersed in a different country and culture, is falling down around me.

PERSONALLY:

I can look at my yoga classes to see this resonates on a more personal level too. Of course, yoga is my great metaphor of life! So, I could rephrase the question that I posed at the beginning of this blog.

What do you do when the rest of the yoga students in your class are falling down around you?

Sometimes, I fall too. Lately, I've been falling a lot and not necessarily because I'm pushing myself to the outer periphery of my virtual capacity and abilities in my yoga practice. I'm falling because I'm distracted. I'm paying attention to other people's issues and challenges, the limits of their abilities, their perceived weaknesses, etc. rather than my own. Sometimes I pass judgement too. I think to myself, "wow, if they would have only listened to the step-by-step instructions of the teacher, instead of rushing, they'd have at least made some progress in the posture" or maybe even "they aren't even trying." Then I fall. It's only when I come back to my intentions, bridge my ego with my intentions (topic for my next post I promise), centre myself, draw awareness to my core, an focus my gaze that I am in my own balance again. Sometimes this is impossible for me until that final Shivasana.

For example, today I practiced hot yoga with Bernadette Leung. During the practice, some lady

one or two mats away from me was burping or making some sort of pig snort for the entire hour, and not just one every 10 min. or so, literally several sounds per minute! It was so loud and so guttural, I was horrified! While usually I would just acknowledge that "WTF?" thought bubble that is perpetually above my head, today it disappeared and all I could do was get really angry about it. It was affecting me and my practice and offending me personally. The thoughts that entered my thought bubble, hence pushing the benign "WTF?" out of there, included but were not limited to the following:

"What on earth did you eat?"

"Do you realize how loud you are?"

"Your burping is making you fall out of every posture!"

"I can't see any of your knuckles or joints, do you have chronic edema... and again, what do you eat that makes your body respond this way?"

"Is yoga part of the solution? If so, that's fine, but maybe a private class is a better idea."

I either wanted to ask her what was wrong or exclaim "jing dee!!" I looked around, and it didn't seem as though the other 50 students were even as close to being as affected as I was, however.

Ok, so what is wrong with me then? There were several times when I regained my focus and was able to ignore the disturbance. There was no acceptance, however... during those times, I was just ignoring... ignorance? Ignorance is bliss? What does this all mean in the grand scheme of things, though? If I were to use the "just ignore it" or "ignorance" tactic for the LOCAL and GLOBAL examples above, what would that look like? NOT GOOD! As I mentioned, it's hard enough in a full, sweaty, technically challenging yoga class to acknowledge and regain your focus and go back to your core strength and deep-rooted knowledge with every little disturbance you experience. That's a daily challenge, and some are better at it than others.

Indeed, we're all at different stages of our journeys. When the disturbance gets so profound, maintaining our centre is more difficult. Fighting fire with fire isn't the answer either though. LOCALLY, if that were the case, during my daily commute, I'd intentionally step on peoples toes, push and shove, talk really loudly on my phone, burp without covering my mouth, eat really stinky food while slurping it loudly... the list goes on. On a PERSONAL level, if fighting fire was the case during my yoga class, I'd stomp loudly and slam the door when entering the studio, I'd drop my water bottle and not think a thing about it, and instead of burping 3 times

per minute for an hour, maybe I'd pass gas from the other end just as frequently to add the smell component to the situation. Although, maybe I already have a strange smell to me, as Asians say Westerners smell like cheese. Would it have been the same if someone was farting 3 times per minute for the entire class? I'd die to be a fly on the wall of that yoga studio (with a clothes pin on my nose, of course). Finally, we all know what it looks like when fire is fought with fire on a GLOBAL scale. It is not usually productive over the long term and can usually heighten catastrophe and chaos. That's definitely NOT how Japan is dealing with things in my mind, which is good and a relief. What I see is the workers of Fukushima Daiichi doing what they know to be the right response protocol, using every resource they have and all of the safety training under their belt to make sure that the situation does not get worse. Meanwhile the brilliant engineers are using all of their knowledge, a collective intelligence that could never be quantified, to come up with short-term and long-term solutions so that not only the area but the entire country and Asia, for that matter, stays safe. They are learning and will continue to learn a ton from this, no doubt, and likewise for the rest of the world. Indeed, there have been some amazing scientists interviewed on TV (several on Rachel Maddow's show) and radio that have informed the general public as to the ins and outs of this disaster from their scientific perspective, but in lay man's terms, which is crucial. Again, they are leaning on their core strength, which is their education and capacity to educate others... not fear.

So, what's to be said from all of this? I've outlined my current and timely thoughts and examples for what happens when the distracted and panic buttons are pushed on a GLOBAL, LOCAL, and PERSONAL scale. If yoga is the metaphor for my life, and what Bernadette said in class today:

"Your yoga practice is an outward expression of who you are."

rings true, then that is the most important lesson I can learn right now. My annoyance and anger and frustration today... that is not who I am... the core strength, focus, education, intelligence, foresight, and intentional actions that I had a few glimpses of this morning... that's me, and not just in yoga, but also in every day life. Namaste नमस्ते...

Thoughts?

Weaknesses

While I can be She-Ra or Superwoman in the gym or in academic or health situations, I have my kryptonite. There is quite a bit of value to doing this.

My Weaknesses…

I am self-critical.

I can be easily overwhelmed.

I am very sensitive to noise, people that are noisy.

I have a really hard time with my body image.

I get caught up on details, often missing the big picture.

I get stuck in my head and generate negative thought processes.

I can convey judgment or disapproval to others.

I often feel that I have to prove myself to others.

I am very much weakened when I’m lonely or ill.

I can bring others down when I’m in a bad mood.

I can easily feel inadequate, and it stifles my progress.

I can be late, which makes people have to wait on me.

I hold myself to a very high standard and expect perfection.

E^3... Evaluation, Examination and Evolution

Today I am honoured to have a very good friend of mine join me on “Eight million and one.” Andrea invited me to share some of her inspirational and thought-provoking ideas the other day, and I asked her if I could please post them as they really resonated with me. Andrea and I finished our Ph.D. degrees around the same time, although from different universities in Canada, and so we have a lot in common on those grounds. We have also constantly been conference travel buddies and have remained very close despite our day-to-day distance. Over the past few years we have had some amazing conversations and more recently about a lot of my recent blog topics and posts. Her recent thoughts here are very much in line with some of he recent ideas I've been exploring… take a minute to comment if you are inspired too, and hopefully we can open up a discussion.

E^3… Evaluation, Examination and Evolution

It’s funny how you can look at something you’ve seen many times before, but that 87^th time that you look at it, it prompts a new, original thought. This happened to me one afternoon while running around the indoor track. As I peered down at the gymnasium below, a large group of students were writing an exam. I thought to myself in the beginning, “That sucks. I remember those days… writing exams… so glad I'll never have to do that again… ha ha ha." In fact, this is the thought that I usually have when I see people writing exams. But, on this particular occasion, I let that thought linger a bit in my mind. Lo and behold, it went in a whole new direction. Two directions actually, one about my career, and one about my life, and I’ll touch on both.

Career:

As a newly appointed postdoctoral fellow, my Ph.D. defense was technically the last formal exam I would ever have to go through, as this would be my last academic degree. For most people, this is an exciting moment, and allows some relaxation of the mind and body. However, as an academic, I realize that it will not be my last exam. I will be examined every single day for the rest of my life. In our profession, and Jodie can attest to this, you are constantly being evaluated by your peers/supervisors. In essence, it is the day-to-day evaluations that people use to form their opinions about your scientific ability and integrity. Sure, everyone looks to see how many papers you have published, or presentations you have given, which are the larger of the evaluations we receive. However, when it comes down to it, a potential supervisor really wants to know how you got to that point, how you work, the type of person you are in and outside the lab, and your thought processes. These aspects of a person cannot be found in a résumé, but come for your supervisors and peers (reference letters), social gatherings (conferences), general scientific conversations, etc. Consequently, if you “pass” these examinations of your abilities, you end up succeeding in the larger evaluations, such as publishing papers. I think that these rooted aspects of a person and the day-to-day informal evaluations are what make or break a persons’ academic career.

Life:

So, if passing day-to-day evaluations is going to lead to a better career, then shouldn’t this work the same way for my life? The answer is yes (in my mind). I think that if you really want to lead a productive, successful, fulfilling, happy life, one that you are proud of, and one with no regrets, you really need to take the time to examine yourself every single day. Question yourself and your choices each day, evaluate your daily activities, etc. in order to really gain an understanding of yourself. If you ask yourself these questions and you have no answer, or you fail your daily evaluation, then you know where you need to work harder to become a better person, or to fulfill your life goals. By answering the questions, you acknowledge those aspects of your life that you are proud of, and those that need work. Most of the time, both of them (proud moments and those that need work) go unnoticed, and therefore, we have no framework on which to base our life evaluations. You may, at this point be asking, “What questions do I ask myself?”, and this is where it becomes personal. The questions you ask yourself are directly related to your values, morals, life goals, visions of success, or any other aspect of life. Here are a few that I think might be important, but your personal question list is up to you, and can be as long or short as you want it to be.

1. Have I done something nice for someone other than myself today?

2. Have I wasted anything today? Time? Food? Money? Etc.

3. What was one thing I did today that I could have done better?

4. What is one thing I did today that I excelled at?

5. What have I done today to prepare for tomorrow and my future?

If you ask yourself these (or any other) questions each day, you are examining your life. Each day, if you can answer the set of questions you have designed for yourself, even if the answers are "wrong" or unacceptable in your mind, then each NEW day you will have a framework established to become a better person, more successful, happier, or lead a more fulfilling life. This is the foundation for evolution. Animals in the wild adapt over generations to become more suited to their environment, to have a higher “fitness” and succeed over other animals. We too should be subjected to daily evolution, which over time will allow us to be the best that we can be.

Efficiency

9Dec10, 7:15am: Bodypump workout with Kelvin (it's essentially a muscular endurance work-out, and I love it!)

I caught up on emails and news before 6:45am when I left my apartment (I think I'm only allowed to call it a flat if I'm British... it's called a flat here in HK, but that's probably because of the Commonwealth and previous crown rule). I got in my work-out and was at work with a one-shot iced espresso (maybe I'll lay off the triples for a bit), sitting down at my desk for a skype chat with my previous supervisor back in Vancouver by 8:55am. It was a very intense and productive 52 minutes. Then I got in a very productive day, which even included a short lunch and chat with one of my collaborators here. I'm trying to avoid dragging tasks out so much. I get it in my head that I need so much time to do something and it tends to be an enormous exaggeration, but I end up taking the entire time I allot for myself. Today, I decided to just be happy with something that is very good, but perhaps not perfect. That's what collaborators

and colleagues are for, right? Together, we help each other turn out the great works, ideas, writings, studies, conclusions, etc. No one works alone in a vacuum... not in my world, not in any world I believe. By trusting myself and looking at tasks objectively without obsessing over an image of perfection that doesn't even exist I can get things done in a timely manner and be extremely successful.

Understanding myself first

27Nov10, 9am: Hot yoga with Shalon

Yoga today... the teacher was a new one for me, and some interesting ideas have arisen since.

I had a really rough night last night after getting home from dinner with friends, which was fun but only a temporary distraction from some deeper stuff, as my last post revealed. As a result, I didn't sleep that well, and so the thought crossed my mind to cancel yoga. Although I didn't end up particularly liking the class or the teacher, I got a lot out of it and am glad I still went.

It started off with the teacher coming in, speaking Cantonese, but then looking at me and asking me if I spoke Cantonese. I said no, and she walked on to her mat and started the class speaking mostly Cantonese but with some English intermingled. This quickly turned into about 99% Cantonese. There would be a few phrases in English here and there, like counting to 5 while holding a posture or some random phrase like "lower back". Needless to say, I was having a tough time, and essentially having to imagine what she was saying throughout my practice. In yoga, you can't alway just 'get by' watching others either, which I ended up trying to do or sometimes missing the asanas all together. I think I resorted to the fact that it was going to be hard for me to get a really intense workout from this class, which upset me but I had to fond something to learn or get out of this seemingly confusing and frustrating class.

While I did feel like walking out at one point so frustrated because I couldn't understand ANYTHING and couldn't see her, I didn't. I stayed. I decided to use my time to think about it all and learn a bit more about myself through my reactions to this situation. And I did, to the point where she must have sensed it in me or in others, as she said to "stop judging yourself" during part of the cool-down. I didn't like it that i couldn't understand anything today. I think that's been a really hard concept for me this month... not understanding and not being understood, mostly in the literal sense but of course also in the figurative sense.

I didn't realize that right away, maybe I was already showering when I thought that... I do some of my best thinking in the shower. When you are doing something that is routine, and takes a bit of your time, maybe something that is in silence, too, it is almost like a form of worship or prayer. This is what yoga is for many people, myself included. Sometimes I go to yoga for a really intense workout, actually that's *always* why I go, but many times I get a bonus learning experience or thinking session too. It's like that for me with showering too... of course I take showers primarily to get clean, but I usually relax and think too. There's something to the routine, like a sun salutation or other vinyasa. It gets to flowing so well that you can just go with the flow and allow your mind to explore itself.

I did come to tears at the end of my practice though, and instead of hurrying out after the final om, I stayed, stared at myself in the mirror, and tried to acknowledge what was going on inside me.

Some thoughts:

Feeling misunderstood or not understanding someone or an idea is very hard for me.

I don't need to be doing something all the time.

I am noticed here in HK more than I realize because I stand out.

I went from living in the US where I was relatively small to moving to Vancouver, where I wasn't as small. I adjusted my diet and fitness dramatically, got smaller and super strong, and became really fit. Now I'm comparing my Canadian self, who was small and fit, to a world of tiny Asians, most of which are not fit in the same way if at all (except for the yogis), but most are very, very small. It's a new benchmark.