Calming down for the night

While I've been aiming to go to bed at or before midnight during the week, this is hard for me for many reasons:

1. The majority of my friends and family are waking up at this time because they are in different time zones, and I typically have my computer on and connected to every form of social media with which I associate.

2. I have a lot of things I want to do with my waking hours.

3. My brain (as a result?) is running faster than the speed of light and bombarded with thoughts from all aspects of my life, responsibilities, interests, intrigues, etc.

I found this post on a blog that I follow called Elephant Journal that I thought was particularly interesting. The blogger started off by saying "In spite of all the yoga and all the benefits that it brings, I succumb to insomnia from time to time." I hear you!!! I think I will integrate one or a combination of these suggestions into my pre-midnight ritual. The candle one is VERY interesting! Thoughts?

Knowing thy body (does anyone say thy anymore?) and relativity

28Dec10, 8:30pm Bodypump with Xiomara (very high energy Brazilian!)

28Dec10, 9:30pm Hot Yoga with Serena Chan

I also vowed to go to bed by midnight last night, which was made easy by how exhausted (in a good way) that I was after both classes. However, I know I didn't eat enough before I went and far enough in advance before my workouts, as I was ravenous when I got home. A kid's size yogurt cup did the trick though and wasn't too much that I couldn't go to sleep pretty fast. Striking that balance for me has been difficult, as you all well know by now. How much sleep, how much exercise, how much food, how much caffeine, how much water? And, when to do all of this? I can feel that I'm totally off of my schedule right now, but I'm working on at least getting back to waking up early. I love getting my day started early, and as a result of going to bed at midnight (or a few min. after) last night, I woke up this morning at 5:30am no problem! I didn't go to morning yoga however, as I was sore and tired from last night, but I'm looking forward to a full, productive day of work, and I've already gotten in a good couple hours of email checking (and blogging) already and still no one has arrived to the office/lab.

The other idea I am contemplating right now is about relativity... not necessarily Einstein's, but ideas relative to other ideas, relative distance, relative in a quantifiable sense. I am one that compares, to my own demise too as I compare myself to others constantly. In my field of work, we are taught to compare, and we are compared to others as well. It's just how it is. I have been fortunate that recently I've been noted as being successful for "this stage in her career" which is a nice caveat that helps, but it's still a comparison to others at "this stage." In yoga, I find myself listening closely to the teacher as he/she helps to adjust (verbally) other students. I make sure that I can make those corrections too, if necessary. Is this a comparison? Am I correcting my postures relative to others' strengths, weaknesses, levels of flexibility, etc.? Furthermore, my teacher last night, Serena Chan, was the type that would go around and make tiny adjustments to your postures in addition to verbal cues. What I realized, since, once again I managed myself into a class where about 95% of it was taught strictly in Cantonese, that I really missed that. I really missed being able to hear what he/she was saying to other students so that I could make the same adjustments if necessary. When she came to me, she poked me with her fingernails, which I did not appreciate at all, to adjust me and said a few words in English. Yes, I can do a yoga class without being able to hear all of the auditory cues, but am I getting as much out of it? Do we get more out of life when we are able to take each step relative to the steps that are taken around us? Hmmm....

Early morning vs. late nights

I've flip-flopped for a few days, I think. Several nights of staying up late and sleeping in last weekend, and now I'm still in that mode for my week... that's ok, though. I also know my body is tired, or at least it was this morning when I tried to get up, well stay up, so that I could hit the gym for a 7am work-out. I got up around 5:35am, ate breakfast and realized I was a bit ahead of schedule, and so I made the fatal mistake of lying down for a few minutes...

I woke up at 7:15am, having missed the start of my work-out, decided to go back to sleep until almost 9am, which is really sleeping in for me. I'm sort of all over the place right now anyway, Sunday night was very emotional for me, saying goodbye to Kim again, the second time in 37 days. Monday, as I mentioned, I got in a killer work-out at 7am. Then the rest of my day was stellar, especially research-wise! I am doing microscopic surgical procedures on transparent fish so that I can image their circulatory system in real-time as well as image each molecule of oxygen released from the hemoglobin protein that carries it through the blood to the working muscles that need it. I've always had it in my mind that I would like to be an excellent micro-surgeon, so to speak. I've heard a mentor of mine refer to another colleague as that, and I remember thinking that I could be that too. I've been told my sutures are better than those of medical doctors (yikes!), but that makes me very proud. Furthermore, I know that I have a precise hand and keen eyes for tiny detail. For my current research, I was having trouble with this one particular surgery for a couple weeks. I just wasn't consistent and found myself very apprehensive, often asking my colleague to take a turn just because I didn't want to mess up. Yesterday, I made up my mind that I was excellent at surgical procedures, just as I had always imagined, and that did it... I totally changed my mind-set and it really worked for me. It was a very successful, but also very long day.

Although I was absolutely beat by the time I got home Monday night, I still found myself getting a second wind, and so I did end up staying up late again. So, it really comes to no surprise that I was tired this morning (Tuesday), and I gave that to myself. I had a pretty productive day today but ended up getting in my fitness at night instead of morning...

7Dec10, 9:30pm: Hot Yoga with Michael Lau

...and now I'm wired and it's 1:30am!

My parivrtta trikonasana, or twisted triangle, this evening was my best ever, I think. Note, the photo on the right is not me, but this is how I felt! Everything else was good, but this particular asana really stood out to me, as it's a tough one, not only from the twisting perspective, as the name implies, but also from a balance perspective, and for once I feel like I really got into this posture.

I think that if I'm going to do a yoga class at night, then I need to make it a relaxing one, like Yoga Therapy or perhaps a meditation class so I can actually come straight home and veg-out before falling asleep. After hot yoga, I must take a shower, as I'm drenched... absolutely drenched. Although, that is one aspect I really, really love about hot yoga. I feel amazing after a really good sweat, but only if that was my initial intention. I don't like the nervous sweat, like when I'm about to defend my thesis or get married... I'm hoping to stave off that response next week in HOT Australia during my job interviews. But anyway, back to the scheduling... I find that if I get in an intense work-out in the morning, I'm set with tons of energy all morning and can get so much done. However, if I have to anticipate it all day, and maybe even cut my evening short to head off to the gym, I'm not as content. Although getting up from a glorious sleep is never easy, I do find that I am happy to do it for a great work-out or yoga class, as I know I will be on a roll to a productive and energetic day!

Sure, just about everything in life is fluid, schedules are fluid, preferences are fluid, but for now, in this environment, with this body and this schedule, in this city, at the risk of sounding cliche, I think I can say that I'd rather be a "morning person." Cliche aside, that reminds me of how so much of the deep thoughts that I long to elaborate upon touch on impermanence, one of the three tenets of existence in Buddhist beliefs. I am reminded of this by a discussion with a friend today, as she is thinking a lot about this particular one of impermanence, or अनिच्चा anicca. I too need to remember this, as the things that are going on for me right now for which I am not happy are, indeed, temporary and my body's way of finding a new set-point to waver around to maintain homeostasis. I will find a new balance with everything... I already am finding balance on some levels... but on other levels, I still feel like everything is very much out of balance... hang in there, self.. you can do this!

What is my body telling me?

"Sleepy" continued on through Wednesday evening. I went home, ate a salad and canned tuna for dinner, had some yogurt for dessert, messed around on the computer, and tried to plan my Thursday. I wanted to blog today about this process to see if I can reveal some things about myself and learn from this particular experience. I know that underlying frustrations or sad moments surface in strange ways with me, and I think that this is one of them. Therefore, this post will be more journal-style...

I had agreed to a Skype meeting at 8am with my mentor in Australia to talk about this much-anticipated seminar and interview for this position as Super Science Fellow. I have worked on a research proposal and pages and pages of writing, updated curriculum vita, personal statements, mentoring statements, the list goes on... it's been a year-long process. I was excited for this meeting, even though it was at an inconvenient time for me. He had suggested two times, and the first one didn't work either, as it conflicted with a work seminar and meeting. This 8am time slot wasn't ideal, as I would miss my 7:15am work-out, but with the number of fitness and yoga classes available to me in a day and the fact that I was slated for another specialty yoga class at 8pm Thurs. evening suggested to me that I could work around this one and make an 8am meeting a reality.

My mentor here in Hong Kong agreed to have a meeting that I asked for, and he suggested 11:30am Thursday, which would be reasonable as well. I agreed. The topic of this meeting is frustrating me to no end, as it seems like we cannot resolve an issue that I'm having with a microscope that I need for my research. This microscope set-up was supposed to be ready last fall and everything tested by the time I arrived. This is not the case, as it seems the set-up is inadequate for what I need, and I've spent the past 2 weeks learning about microscopes so I can talk to potential collaborators at the various other universities in HK, technicians, and sales people about what we can do to create the system I need. Meanwhile, I know our technician wants to buy new parts for the microscope to make it work for my needs. He was key in setting it up in the first place, and I think my mentor is not particularly keen that it was not adequate. He got a quote for the parts, and this may be ok, but part of me feels like this should have been done last year. Then he comes to me the other day to say that the parts we order may not fix the problem. He mentions that we may need to buy a new microscope that where the physics of the light pathways are organized differently. I understand this... after all, I've become pretty well-versed in microscopy lately, by necessity... but that's a $131,000 bill I wasn't prepared for. So, I mentally prepare for the meeting.

Meanwhile, it's Wed. night, and I'm feeling so incredibly uninspired and very tired. I didn't get anything done on my own work all day, as I had so many meetings, seminars, and such. Preparing for a productive Thurs. seemed to be the best way to get out of this ditch I felt like I was in. So, I think I figured out a plan to incorporate my Skype meeting, my meeting about the microscope, and decided that if I felt good early in the morning, I'd go for a run at the gym. If I was too tired when the alarm went off, I'd go back to sleep and hit yoga after my skyp meeting and before going in f or my 11:30am meeting. After lunch, I'd have a ton of time to do my own work before an 8pm silks and hoops yoga class at the Aerial Arts school in Central, for which I was super excited. Furthermore, maybe I didn't have to work, read, blog or be uber productive at 9pm on a Wed. night. Maybe I could just "veg out" and relax. I know, it sounds so strange....

I fell asleep.

I woke up a few times due to noisy neighbours and their little kids who always seem to be awake and incredibly lively at 11:45pm! I woke up a few more times disoriented, but fine after checking the clock. Of course I didn't have it in me to get out the door at 5:30am with everything packed for a full day in order to make a 6am run and get to my office by 8am.

I slept more.

I woke up again at what I thought was 7:45am, but it was 6:45am. Phew! I ate breakfast... yogurt, oats, and cinnamon... one of my staple meals... and prepared for my Skype meeting. We started late, as he ran overtime finishing a task, for which he apologized. I was proud of myself because I digital voice recorded the entire conversation in case I missed something.

*Kudos to me for acknowledging that I can't always be superwoman and be able to absorb an hour of intense conversation and for using the immense amount of technology at my fingertips to help myself out a bit!

I felt good about that, and I also felt good that even though I'm thinking about the visit, interview, seminar and that whole scary process, I've partitioned my time to work on preparing for it from 5 -14 Dec. While I am currently pre-preparing (is that a word? I like it... going to use it often), I committed to preparing (for real) after Kim's visit. Yes, that does feel good!

I was still sluggish, and so I did a few things and then laid back down to sleep. Although it is hard for me sometimes to listen to my body when it's asking for sleep, I know that it's asking me for a very specific reason. Maybe I'm on the verge of coming down with a cold, and this is my body asking me to take it easy so that it can deal with the cold before I have to. If that's the case, fine... dear body, I will listen to you and get some more sleep. I also drank some grapefruit juice... pure, no sugar added, grapefruit juice. YUM!

I slept some more.

I woke up at 10am and started preparing for my day, which at this point was preparing for my meeting at 11:30am and after lunch.

Something startled me...

Yes, this poor little guy I'm told comes out at about 2am every night. Although it startled me, it was a nice surprise... it wasn't a rat!

I finally get out the door. Sometimes in my world, that's the hardest thing for me... getting out the door in the morning. That's why I usually schedule my fitness/yoga for first thing. I don't have to get ready at home and can start my day sweating and stretching. I am much more efficient that way.

At this point, I am running a bit behind and will only have time to grab a coffee and go directly to my meeting, which is fine. At 11:19am my mentor phones me to cancel the meeting. We discuss some other things about my facilitating a -80C freezer for a colleague's samples while he's been here in HK visiting, retrieving them, etc. This is fine, but sometimes I don't think I'm appreciated for my intellect but rather for my "git'er done" personality. Is that all I am? A puppet?

That's often what post-doctoral fellows are likened to... puppets, as they don't have the resources to stand on their own feet quiet yet, i.e. no money for research or funding and their salary comes from someone established, higher up. It's common. I think I fit into that easily, but then again, I'm fresh out of school without a lot of experience "standing on my own two feet." Furthermore, I'm working with a scientist who is -- technically -- retired. He doesn't do work in the lab anymore, he's just a thinker. He has a strong voice because he's probably the most well-respected for his intellect in any research to do with fish but also research that has to do with oxygen and carbon dioxide transport, pH balance, respiratory physiology, etc. He can convince people and he can get money. That's what you have to be when you get old. When you're young, I guess, you have to pay your dues and learn the ropes...

I phone our technician to cancel, but we end up talking anyway.

What I am to learn from the latter half of this entry... I talk to our technician and rather than letting him run the show, which he technically has been doing prior to my arrival, I take the reins and make a plan. It felt good. He is hired for a specific job, and I am here to make sure that we are utilizing his talents.

I am also going to start learning to stand on my own two feet. A cancelled meeting is an opportunity for me to take the reins and make some decisions. While I can't make decisions on spending $$ yet, I can figure out every possible solution that leads up to that.

Meanwhile, Kim arrives Saturday night, and we have a Taiwan experience to be had next week and a Hong Kong experience to be had the following weekend. I will listen to my body and care for it as much as I possibly can, nurture it, and let it sleep so that I can be in the best possible shape for the things that are of top priority to me.

For today: I know that life is about balance... I am remembering my priorities... I am listening to my body, letting my body rest, and starting to learn to stand on my own two feet... or balance on one foot, as some tasks may require. Finally, if I hear a strange noise in the night, resembling something falling or slipping from the sink in the kitchen, remember the gecko.

Sleepy...

24Nov10, 7am: Hot Yoga with Samrat Dasgupta

Here's to trying a new teacher...!!!! I wasn't happ

y with the last "new" teacher I tried and promptly went back to Michael Lau for a few classes. However, I really liked my class today. It was full, too, which isn't unusual, but not as common in the first class of the morning. He was articulate, and the class was challenging for me. I found myself sweating hard, but working up to that, and then able to calm down at the final Savasana. However, the sweating was profuse, such that while lying there in corpse, the droplets entering my ears challenged my focus to relax and release. I was aware of it though, as I am aware of how sleepy I feel now.

I know I didn't get enough sleep last night, but I still had so much energy and wanted to use it! I ate dinner quite late, and had been sleepy before leaving campus around 8:30 or 9pm. I'm going to pay attention to that and aim to keep my energy levels a bit more stable. The huge peaks and troughs in my energy levels don't aid my productivity, and while I'm on such a roll with my work and self-exploration, I'll take this opportunity to tweak my schedule a bit so I can continue to channel my energy to be productive and set and reach goals!