26Nov10, 8am: personal training session (circuit training) with Wallace
Candid...
My body is officially comprised of more mass than it has ever occupied in its entire 33.25 years on the planet.
One of the joys that comes with starting a new training program or meeting a new trainer is the full body composition analysis that you get to start with. It's a fabulous way for me to feel absolutely lousy about myself, especially while living in the land of small where I can't find clothes to fit me and belts don't even go around my waist, let alone buckle. When did I become such a big girl? When did obesity become a risk for me? Seriously? It seems like this happened so fast, but then again, it's been slipping back over the past year.
I'm no stranger to the body composition tests, as I've done them with Endorphin Junkies a couple times per year. Still, every time, I was nervous, anxious, terrified... really for two numbers in particular.
1. Body fat percentage
2. Weight (mass)
My body fat percentage is still low, but I am apparently storing it all in my mid-section, hence the "over" WHR or waist to hip ratio, which is a proxy for obesity-related diseases. As you can see from part of the print-out from my body composition analysis from this morning... I'm quite imbalanced. It used to be that the % body fat and my weight were my magic numbers. If I could carry on with a "normal life", i.e. have dessert, a glass of wine, dairy, carbs... all very much in moderation, of course, then as long as I stayed below 20%, I'd feel pretty good. I knew that I could hammer out my work-outs and be extremely strict with my diet, low calories, barely any carbs, no soy, no dairy, no caffeine, no alcohol and drop down to 16%, but that wasn't sustainable. I could carry that on for about 6 weeks at the most, but no longer.
It's pretty incredible... I have everything I could possibly want in life except for the body it comes in. Part of me thinks it's not fair. But then I feel like crap for thinking that this of all things is not fair... where are the starving children these days, everywhere, where are the war-torn communities, everywhere... it's ridiculous for me to worry about this. Meanwhile, I'm probably consuming more calories in a day than many children and even adults have in a month. What the hell is my problem? I think to myself, why is it that so many people in this world can do absolutely no exercise at all and eat crappy, processed, sugary junky food and have great bodies. Mine is strong, no doubt, full of good components too, care of my clean diet... although lately that's not been as easy, but I'm doing well, considering... and so why do I complain? Maybe I will live longer because I'm in good shape, but then again, maybe not... the stats are stacked against me. I have a family history of obesity, heart disease, cancer...
I feel guilty for complaining, and I know that people will tell me that I look great, I'm so strong, in good shape, fit, eat healthfully, etc., but I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I look in the mirror, I see a rectangle... a tree trunk with no waist and big legs, a chubby face, I can't wear the clothes I want to wear, and I don't feel good, period.
I could turn this into a goal-setting exercise, I guess...
Goal #2: Over the next 3 months, I will have lost weight such that I am 7kg lighter. By this time, I am also enjoying that my waist to hip ratio is within the normal range for my body size.
There... does that help? Not really. I'm tired of being like this. It's ruined a part of who I am for so long, over half of my life, actually... 20 years maybe... I'm really tired...
I hear ya, sister. It is really hard not to fall into feeling bad about yourself, no matter what you look like or your body type. I have never had a weight problem, but that doesn't mean I always feel great about myself or my body. It's a daily struggle for me to like myself, so know that you're not alone! ♥ The thing that you should feel great about is that you are doing something to counteract those feelings (many things, actually - yoga, running, meditation, eating right, etc). You're still going to have those tough days though. Hope you feel better about things tomorrow. Let me know any time you need to talk! xoxo
ReplyDeleteJodie. Thank you so much for sharing. I know you are not alone in your thoughts and it is so amazingly vulnerable for you to share - such courage and openness involved in revealing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMy advice, be kind to yourself. I learned this in hospital after years of criticism towards self. Kindness, love and compassion start with self.
After this, something amazing that I did that really opened up my mind to WHY? Why is eating healthy so important for me? Why is taking care of myself so important to me? Why is loving and respecting myself so important to me? I go to the juice of it all and didn't let myself stop at surface thoughts. It's a constant reminder why. But when I go back to the heart and soul of it. It always makes me smile and, yes, pick up the carrots!
Love and miss.
Thank you! Both of you! I'm still not quite sure how to work on this and goal #2 that I've set for myself in a healthy, non-judgemental, and life-affirming way. I know that I'm fit and lean and strong and healthy. I do, really. However, I'm not happy and need to make a few changes. One step at a time... and one of those could be my water consumption, which I'm really focussing on this week. Thanks again!
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