Yoga today... the teacher was a new one for me, and some interesting ideas have arisen since.
I had a really rough night last night after getting home from dinner with friends, which was fun but only a temporary distraction from some deeper stuff, as my last post revealed. As a result, I didn't sleep that well, and so the thought crossed my mind to cancel yoga. Although I didn't end up particularly liking the class or the teacher, I got a lot out of it and am glad I still went.
It started off with the teacher coming in, speaking Cantonese, but then looking at me and asking me if I spoke Cantonese. I said no, and she walked on to her mat and started the class speaking mostly Cantonese but with some English intermingled. This quickly turned into about 99% Cantonese. There would be a few phrases in English here and there, like counting to 5 while holding a posture or some random phrase like "lower back". Needless to say, I was having a tough time, and essentially having to imagine what she was saying throughout my practice. In yoga, you can't alway just 'get by' watching others either, which I ended up trying to do or sometimes missing the asanas all together. I think I resorted to the fact that it was going to be hard for me to get a really intense workout from this class, which upset me but I had to fond something to learn or get out of this seemingly confusing and frustrating class.
While I did feel like walking out at one point so frustrated because I couldn't understand ANYTHING and couldn't see her, I didn't. I stayed. I decided to use my time to think about it all and learn a bit more about myself through my reactions to this situation. And I did, to the point where she must have sensed it in me or in others, as she said to "stop judging yourself" during part of the cool-down. I didn't like it that i couldn't understand anything today. I think that's been a really hard concept for me this month... not understanding and not being understood, mostly in the literal sense but of course also in the figurative sense.
I didn't realize that right away, maybe I was already showering when I thought that... I do some of my best thinking in the shower. When you are doing something that is routine, and takes a bit of your time, maybe something that is in silence, too, it is almost like a form of worship or prayer. This is what yoga is for many people, myself included. Sometimes I go to yoga for a really intense workout, actually that's *always* why I go, but many times I get a bonus learning experience or thinking session too. It's like that for me with showering too... of course I take showers primarily to get clean, but I usually relax and think too. There's something to the routine, like a sun salutation or other vinyasa. It gets to flowing so well that you can just go with the flow and allow your mind to explore itself.
I did come to tears at the end of my practice though, and instead of hurrying out after the final om, I stayed, stared at myself in the mirror, and tried to acknowledge what was going on inside me.
Some thoughts:
Feeling misunderstood or not understanding someone or an idea is very hard for me.
I don't need to be doing something all the time.
I am noticed here in HK more than I realize because I stand out.
I went from living in the US where I was relatively small to moving to Vancouver, where I wasn't as small. I adjusted my diet and fitness dramatically, got smaller and super strong, and became really fit. Now I'm comparing my Canadian self, who was small and fit, to a world of tiny Asians, most of which are not fit in the same way if at all (except for the yogis), but most are very, very small. It's a new benchmark.
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