What is my body telling me?

"Sleepy" continued on through Wednesday evening. I went home, ate a salad and canned tuna for dinner, had some yogurt for dessert, messed around on the computer, and tried to plan my Thursday. I wanted to blog today about this process to see if I can reveal some things about myself and learn from this particular experience. I know that underlying frustrations or sad moments surface in strange ways with me, and I think that this is one of them. Therefore, this post will be more journal-style...

I had agreed to a Skype meeting at 8am with my mentor in Australia to talk about this much-anticipated seminar and interview for this position as Super Science Fellow. I have worked on a research proposal and pages and pages of writing, updated curriculum vita, personal statements, mentoring statements, the list goes on... it's been a year-long process. I was excited for this meeting, even though it was at an inconvenient time for me. He had suggested two times, and the first one didn't work either, as it conflicted with a work seminar and meeting. This 8am time slot wasn't ideal, as I would miss my 7:15am work-out, but with the number of fitness and yoga classes available to me in a day and the fact that I was slated for another specialty yoga class at 8pm Thurs. evening suggested to me that I could work around this one and make an 8am meeting a reality.

My mentor here in Hong Kong agreed to have a meeting that I asked for, and he suggested 11:30am Thursday, which would be reasonable as well. I agreed. The topic of this meeting is frustrating me to no end, as it seems like we cannot resolve an issue that I'm having with a microscope that I need for my research. This microscope set-up was supposed to be ready last fall and everything tested by the time I arrived. This is not the case, as it seems the set-up is inadequate for what I need, and I've spent the past 2 weeks learning about microscopes so I can talk to potential collaborators at the various other universities in HK, technicians, and sales people about what we can do to create the system I need. Meanwhile, I know our technician wants to buy new parts for the microscope to make it work for my needs. He was key in setting it up in the first place, and I think my mentor is not particularly keen that it was not adequate. He got a quote for the parts, and this may be ok, but part of me feels like this should have been done last year. Then he comes to me the other day to say that the parts we order may not fix the problem. He mentions that we may need to buy a new microscope that where the physics of the light pathways are organized differently. I understand this... after all, I've become pretty well-versed in microscopy lately, by necessity... but that's a $131,000 bill I wasn't prepared for. So, I mentally prepare for the meeting.

Meanwhile, it's Wed. night, and I'm feeling so incredibly uninspired and very tired. I didn't get anything done on my own work all day, as I had so many meetings, seminars, and such. Preparing for a productive Thurs. seemed to be the best way to get out of this ditch I felt like I was in. So, I think I figured out a plan to incorporate my Skype meeting, my meeting about the microscope, and decided that if I felt good early in the morning, I'd go for a run at the gym. If I was too tired when the alarm went off, I'd go back to sleep and hit yoga after my skyp meeting and before going in f or my 11:30am meeting. After lunch, I'd have a ton of time to do my own work before an 8pm silks and hoops yoga class at the Aerial Arts school in Central, for which I was super excited. Furthermore, maybe I didn't have to work, read, blog or be uber productive at 9pm on a Wed. night. Maybe I could just "veg out" and relax. I know, it sounds so strange....

I fell asleep.

I woke up a few times due to noisy neighbours and their little kids who always seem to be awake and incredibly lively at 11:45pm! I woke up a few more times disoriented, but fine after checking the clock. Of course I didn't have it in me to get out the door at 5:30am with everything packed for a full day in order to make a 6am run and get to my office by 8am.

I slept more.

I woke up again at what I thought was 7:45am, but it was 6:45am. Phew! I ate breakfast... yogurt, oats, and cinnamon... one of my staple meals... and prepared for my Skype meeting. We started late, as he ran overtime finishing a task, for which he apologized. I was proud of myself because I digital voice recorded the entire conversation in case I missed something.

*Kudos to me for acknowledging that I can't always be superwoman and be able to absorb an hour of intense conversation and for using the immense amount of technology at my fingertips to help myself out a bit!

I felt good about that, and I also felt good that even though I'm thinking about the visit, interview, seminar and that whole scary process, I've partitioned my time to work on preparing for it from 5 -14 Dec. While I am currently pre-preparing (is that a word? I like it... going to use it often), I committed to preparing (for real) after Kim's visit. Yes, that does feel good!

I was still sluggish, and so I did a few things and then laid back down to sleep. Although it is hard for me sometimes to listen to my body when it's asking for sleep, I know that it's asking me for a very specific reason. Maybe I'm on the verge of coming down with a cold, and this is my body asking me to take it easy so that it can deal with the cold before I have to. If that's the case, fine... dear body, I will listen to you and get some more sleep. I also drank some grapefruit juice... pure, no sugar added, grapefruit juice. YUM!

I slept some more.

I woke up at 10am and started preparing for my day, which at this point was preparing for my meeting at 11:30am and after lunch.

Something startled me...

Yes, this poor little guy I'm told comes out at about 2am every night. Although it startled me, it was a nice surprise... it wasn't a rat!

I finally get out the door. Sometimes in my world, that's the hardest thing for me... getting out the door in the morning. That's why I usually schedule my fitness/yoga for first thing. I don't have to get ready at home and can start my day sweating and stretching. I am much more efficient that way.

At this point, I am running a bit behind and will only have time to grab a coffee and go directly to my meeting, which is fine. At 11:19am my mentor phones me to cancel the meeting. We discuss some other things about my facilitating a -80C freezer for a colleague's samples while he's been here in HK visiting, retrieving them, etc. This is fine, but sometimes I don't think I'm appreciated for my intellect but rather for my "git'er done" personality. Is that all I am? A puppet?

That's often what post-doctoral fellows are likened to... puppets, as they don't have the resources to stand on their own feet quiet yet, i.e. no money for research or funding and their salary comes from someone established, higher up. It's common. I think I fit into that easily, but then again, I'm fresh out of school without a lot of experience "standing on my own two feet." Furthermore, I'm working with a scientist who is -- technically -- retired. He doesn't do work in the lab anymore, he's just a thinker. He has a strong voice because he's probably the most well-respected for his intellect in any research to do with fish but also research that has to do with oxygen and carbon dioxide transport, pH balance, respiratory physiology, etc. He can convince people and he can get money. That's what you have to be when you get old. When you're young, I guess, you have to pay your dues and learn the ropes...

I phone our technician to cancel, but we end up talking anyway.

What I am to learn from the latter half of this entry... I talk to our technician and rather than letting him run the show, which he technically has been doing prior to my arrival, I take the reins and make a plan. It felt good. He is hired for a specific job, and I am here to make sure that we are utilizing his talents.

I am also going to start learning to stand on my own two feet. A cancelled meeting is an opportunity for me to take the reins and make some decisions. While I can't make decisions on spending $$ yet, I can figure out every possible solution that leads up to that.

Meanwhile, Kim arrives Saturday night, and we have a Taiwan experience to be had next week and a Hong Kong experience to be had the following weekend. I will listen to my body and care for it as much as I possibly can, nurture it, and let it sleep so that I can be in the best possible shape for the things that are of top priority to me.

For today: I know that life is about balance... I am remembering my priorities... I am listening to my body, letting my body rest, and starting to learn to stand on my own two feet... or balance on one foot, as some tasks may require. Finally, if I hear a strange noise in the night, resembling something falling or slipping from the sink in the kitchen, remember the gecko.